Published on May 4, 2021. Last Updated on October 21, 2025.
No, this isn’t that talk — it’s not about the birds and the bees. This conversation is about something just as important, and often just as uncomfortable: having an honest discussion with your parents about their long-term living and care wishes as they age.
In my practice as an elder law attorney, I meet families every week who tell me they’ve thought about long-term care but haven’t actually talked about it. Parents often have clear ideas about where they want to live and how they want to be cared for, yet they hesitate to share those wishes with their children. At the same time, many adult children worry about bringing up the topic because they don’t want to upset or pressure their parents.
The result? Everyone avoids the conversation — until a crisis forces it.
That’s why I urge families to talk early and talk often. Having a thoughtful conversation about your parents’ future living situation isn’t just practical — it’s an act of love. It gives everyone peace of mind, prevents misunderstandings, and helps ensure that your parents’ wishes are honored.
Why These Conversations Are So Hard to Start
It’s easy to understand why both parents and adult children struggle to bring up long-term care planning. For parents, the idea of aging, losing independence, or leaving their home can be emotional. For adult children, it can feel disrespectful or uncomfortable to raise such a personal subject.
Yet delaying the discussion only makes it harder later. A sudden illness, fall, or memory issue can force quick decisions under stress — often without knowing what mom or dad truly wanted.
Having the conversation early, when everyone is healthy and calm, allows for planning rather than reacting. It creates an opportunity to explore options thoughtfully and avoid unnecessary guilt or family tension down the road.
How to Start the Conversation
The key is to approach the topic gently, with empathy and understanding — not pressure. Here are some strategies that I often recommend to clients:
1. Choose the Right Time and Setting
Pick a quiet, comfortable moment when no one is rushed or distracted. It should be a time when emotions are calm and the topic feels natural.
You might start with something simple, such as:
“Mom, I’ve been thinking about the future and how we can make sure you’re comfortable and cared for as you get older. Have you given any thought to where you’d like to live if you ever needed help?”
2. Listen More Than You Talk
Give your parents space to share their thoughts. They may already have preferences about staying at home, moving to assisted living, or downsizing — but haven’t expressed them before. Your role is to listen without judgment.
3. Focus on Their Wishes, Not on Fear
Frame the conversation as a way to honor their independence and preferences, not to take control. For example:
“We want to make sure your wishes are clear, so if the time ever comes when you need help, we can support you in the way you want.”
4. Bring in Professional Support
Sometimes, it helps to have a neutral third party involved. Elder law attorneys, care coordinators, or financial advisors can guide the discussion and help turn it into a concrete plan.
Exploring Long-Term Care Options
Once the conversation begins, you can explore what your parents truly want — and what options are available to make that happen.
1. Aging in Place
Many parents want to stay in their homes as long as possible. With proper planning, this can often be achieved. Options include:
- Home modifications (ramps, grab bars, stair lifts, wider doorways)
- In-home care or visiting caregivers
- Adult day programs for socialization and supervision
- Smart home technology for safety and communication
An elder law attorney can also help structure caregiver agreements, Medicaid planning, or asset protection trusts to make staying at home financially viable.
2. Assisted Living or Independent Living Communities
If home care isn’t practical, assisted living or independent living communities can offer safety, socialization, and freedom from home maintenance.
Encourage your parents to tour several facilities. Each one has its own pricing and level of care. Making visits early — before a crisis — allows them to make an informed, comfortable decision.
3. Continuing Care Retirement Communities (CCRCs)
These communities offer a continuum of care — from independent living to skilled nursing — all on one campus. They provide stability and peace of mind for aging couples or individuals who want flexibility as their needs evolve.
While CCRCs can have high upfront costs, they often simplify future transitions and ensure access to care when it’s needed most.
A Real-Life Example
A close friend of mine recently faced this dilemma. She told me she was hesitant to have “the talk” with her parents because she feared they might expect to move in with her family.
My response was simple: Wouldn’t you rather know now than later?
After we talked, she realized that having the conversation wasn’t about saying “yes” or “no” to her parents’ expectations — it was about understanding their wishes and expressing her own boundaries.
When she finally sat down with her parents, she discovered they had no desire to move in at all — they just hadn’t shared their plans because they didn’t want to burden her. What could have turned into a family misunderstanding became a productive, reassuring discussion.
That experience reinforced something I see in my practice all the time: open communication prevents unnecessary stress and confusion later on.
The Benefits of Early Planning
Having these conversations early offers several key benefits:
- Reduces Stress During a Crisis – When a health issue arises, decisions must often be made quickly. Knowing your parents’ wishes in advance allows for clear, confident choices.
- Ensures Financial Preparedness – Planning ahead provides time to explore how to pay for care — whether through personal savings, long-term care insurance, or Medicaid planning.
- Protects Family Relationships – Open dialogue helps prevent resentment or guilt between siblings later on. Everyone understands the plan and feels included.
- Gives Parents Control – Talking early empowers your parents to make their own choices about where and how they live, rather than having those decisions made for them later.
How an Elder Law Attorney Can Help
An elder law attorney plays a crucial role in helping families navigate long-term care planning. These conversations often lead to important legal and financial steps, including:
- Drafting or updating powers of attorney and health care directives
- Structuring caregiver agreements if a family member will provide care
- Protecting assets through Medicaid and estate planning strategies
- Reviewing or updating wills and trusts to reflect current wishes
- Coordinating with financial planners to ensure long-term stability
Get the Support You Need from Bellomo & Associates
If you haven’t yet had this conversation with your parents, now is the perfect time to start. Our team at Bellomo & Associates can help guide your family through every step of the long-term care planning process — from understanding care options to ensuring legal and financial protection. Our goal is to help parents age with dignity and families plan with confidence
Contact our firm today to schedule your consultation or sign up for one of our upcoming educational workshops on long-term care and estate planning. Together, we can help your family make confident, informed decisions about the future — and protect what matters most.
